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[10 Jul 2006|10:23am] |
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she began to die, indiana thats not right....
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[19 Jun 2006|12:09am] |
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music |
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adam sandler- i wanna grow old with you |
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i'm sick and tired of everything. life is wearing me down. i work 40 something hours a week, never have time to hangout really, my boyfriend spent the last 2 hours getting mad at me for working so much and not seeing him enough, my mom has been in the hospital and all this time no one stops to ask if i'm ok. it seems like life is passing me by and no matter what i do, no one cares about me enough to even ask if they can do anything for me. i can't even see the freakin keyboard right now bc i've been crying for the better part of an hour... this isn't me. this isn't how summer is supposed to be. i'm supposed to be having fun, not crying all the time thanks to the added stress in my life. i don't remember the last time i was actually happy. i want things to be better again. go back to last summer. anything. i just want to be happy. nothing i do is ever going to be good enough... i'm never going to be good enough.
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[24 Jan 2006|09:03pm] |
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mood |
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 homesick |
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something isn't right. i don't know what it is but i feel homesick and i haven't left. i'm always looking for a way out, even if i'm happy. i just want to be happy but i always feel like somethings missing or not right. hopefully one of these days i'll pinpoint the problem.
i got an email from brendon today. he sounds happy, at least i think he does. he says less than anyone i know. i miss him so much. we had a lot of fun together, even though he doesn't talk nearly enough.
pre-college jitters are at their highest. this may sounds cliche but everyone please pray that i get into BYU. i've worked my whole life toward this goal and i'm scared now that i won't get in. i'm so excited to go out west and start fresh but at the same time i don't want to leave anymore. i was fine with severing relationships before bc i knew i had to but i have become close to so many amazing people, i don't want to leave them. i know i'm going to have to grow up and move on sometime but it's still hard.
i don't know if i'm just being nostalgic or what but life is starting to wear me down.
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[07 Jan 2006|02:02pm] |
this has been a hard couple days for me. it seems like i can't go without tearing up or crying and i hate crying because it makes me feel vulnerable. long story short- it looks like my prodigal sister might return, well not literally bc her husband doesn't want to leave utah but she is starting to talk to us again. i've pretended to hate her for years but that is just because hate has always been easier than being hurt. very few people know the whole story and even fewer know how i really feel about it. i've always been one to bottle up all of my emotions and i thought it was fine but michael and i talked for a couple hours last night about everything and how unhealthy bottling everything up is. so we talked. i think he's finally beginning to see who i really am- not many people will ever get to because it seems like no one actually cares enough to ask what is wrong. i want to be someone who can open up more easily and let people into my life. only a handful of my friends come close to knowing me.
i cried all the way to michaels house though bc i finally realized how much my sister hurt me. i've avoided even thinking about it in the past but i guess i should finally get it out. i've been holding all of this inside for the last 5 years. i just don't feel like she is even my sister anymore. she hasn't been there for me and doesn't even know anything about me. i'm supposed to go out to utah for spring break and i'm thinking about showing up on her doorstep and surprising her. i doubt she would even recognize me.
so before the whole talking part of last night, michael and i went bowling with his best friend and his girlfriend and a bunch of their friends. it was sooo much fun. i like jacob and rachel a lot.
well i better go get dressed for work.
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[05 Jan 2006|04:46pm] |
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i'm surprisingly sad for some reason. i don't know what it is. maybe the lack of sleep, which is really bugging me. its like something is keeping me awake and i feel like crap.
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[04 Jan 2006|11:00am] |
last night was fun. lee and eric got back from camping so we drove out to charlestown and went to this old abandoned house. it was really creepy. its too bad it was boarded up bc i wanted to go inside. eric said the one door could be broken off easily so we should go back. on the way back we planned our silverhills camping trip for this summer. i'm soooo excited!! its going to be great. then lee wanted to go home so eric and i went driving by caesars and went hill hopping. we started talking about God and church and things like that and weird stuff started happening like we got lost and drove on this one road that gave us both the creeps and like 20 minutes later, the road appeared in front of us. idk, you probably just had to be there but it was weird. it was fun though. i never really get time alone with eric to talk or whatever so this was good.
today i'm going to lunch with some friends. i'm sooo sad its my last day of christmas break. i don't want to go back to school :(
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[03 Jan 2006|01:25pm] |
last night was soooo much fun! i didn't realize how much i missed blake, chris, and heather!! blake pat and i headed off to waffle steak first and blake ate and then we headed up to chris's house and we talked and hung out and watched some of ninja turtles but blake and pat had to get up early so we headed home. we hung out at blake's for a while and i got to talk to dorrie and kelly a lot and shane's parents too. haha i love them :) they keep me fed and tell me i'm pretty hahahaha then blake came back from walking to pat's and we played warriors until like 1 am. we even made a BBC gang!!! and we kicked everyones trash! haha :)
well thats all for now.
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| i'm bored too! <3 |
[03 Jan 2006|01:18pm] |
1. Who was the first person u talked to in 06? michael, since we were lying on his bed when the ball dropped.
2. The first person you hugged? haha michael again!
3. The first person you held hands with? i'm starting to feel repetitive but michael.
3. The first person you called? um... lauralee i think.
4. The first person you texted? blake i think.
5. The first drink you drank? dr. pepper.
6. The first person that called you? michael.
7. The first person that texted you? lauralee.
8. Have you talked to all of your top 8 yet? most.
9. Any of your top 8? yeah.
10. Who was the 1st person to hang up on you? no one.
11. What was the first thing you watched on TV? we watched some of star wars after the ball dropped so does that count?
12. who was the first person u thought of? my favorite.
13. First place you slept at? i fell asleep in michael's bed for like 30 minutes and then headed home to sleep some more.
14. What was the first thing you ate? gum haha and then i came home and ate lays and cottage cheese.
15. What were you wearing at midnight? jeans. white tank and black t-shirt, gray half jacket, michael's louisville hat haha backwards it was very cute :)
16. Who was the first person you kissed? duh who do you think?!? :)
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[02 Jan 2006|02:49pm] |
crunchwrap+ my "anonymous" team go tip call+ thunderstorms are starting to make this day a little better.
to my tipster- you are amazing hahaha i laughed so hard for like 20 minutes after your warning call. i <3 <3 <3 you!!!
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[02 Jan 2006|10:43am] |
last night sucked. i made the mistake of driving past a pissed off cop and he pulled me over and yelled at me and said i was going A LOT faster than i really was and then he yelled at me some more and gave me a ticket.
the night was a lot of fun before that. i went and hung out with michaels family and it was great. i just wish i hadn't left his house or that i hadn't offered to pick up lauralee. its too late now but i still feel horrible.
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[01 Jan 2006|07:00pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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so i'm listening to kings of convenience and its not the same. i miss kristin dancing around the house badly with me. i'm in a very nostalgic mood and i'm really really gonna miss this area. i can't believe i'm gonna be graduating in 5 months. i'm not ready for this.
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[01 Jan 2006|05:29pm] |
i'm bored. last night was fun though. i wish i could've hung out with heather and everyone bc it sounds like you all had a blast, but my dad and sister left early for utah and i couldn't leave my mom alone on new years eve so michael came over and we watched a movie and just hung out.
alright so i am definitely down for hangout time with the old crew tomorrow so call me or i'll call you haha i don't care i just misssss you all. and i can't believe i missed truth or dare!
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[27 Dec 2005|09:20pm] |
and one of the many many reasons i love heather trauth...
chainloosedhands: which is pretty much the reason i hated them so much
chainloosedhands: i don't care
chainloosedhands: because it would be more than just us
chainloosedhands: lots of people would be in it
chainloosedhands: i wish we could make it a bit more obvious that it's about them though
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[27 Dec 2005|11:38am] |
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mood |
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sad |
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well, it looks like i'm going to be spending the rest of my christmas break at my uncle's house. my grandma has had a bad heart for as long as i can remember but she has been really sick and well, it doesn't look like she's gonna be here much longer, so my dad will probably fly out to utah to arrange the funeral and everything but he was going to drive my sister back to utah this week so my mom is going to do that now. which leaves me here...
on the bright side, last night was pretty fun. i went to jen's house and we played apples to apples. it was good to hang out like we used to since lauralee's moving in less than a month.
i was supposed to go to paige's today and do our usual catching up party but now i don't think i can leave in case we get news from the hospital. hopefully i'll be able to drive down friday. i miss her.
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| porcelain dolls creep me out |
[26 Dec 2005|11:21am] |
ok so i am tired of all of the misunderstandings and drama that have come to surround me. its kinda frustrating. people like me and then they don't like me and then they pretend to like me even though they really don't. it makes me feel bad though, like i'm a bad person or something. i guess thats just how i am, i feel like i did something to make the people not like me.
i really need BBC/ Heather hang out time :(
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[22 Dec 2005|12:33pm] |
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mood |
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dirty |
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music |
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macy gray- i try |
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christmas break has come at last. its about freakin time too. calculus final wasnt as bad as i thought. thank goodness. i miss everyone but now i don't have freakin school in the way so hangout time will come at last. i miss being in the drama. hahahaha jk.. kinda. i never know whats going on anymore. hm... lets see... nothing new. sister hangout time i guess. church party last night was great. i was hyper so there will be lots of blackmail i'm sure. thanks to trish for bringing a video camera. i swear i looked like i was drunk last night. it was funny though. talked to paige 2 days ago. i miss her but it looks like i'm going down tuesday to do our usual 'sit around in sweats and eat until we get sick' party. nothing better. i hope we end up rooming together at BYU like we talked about. that would be amazing.
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[20 Dec 2005|04:23pm] |
What does your handwriting say about YOU?
The results of your analysis say:
You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry.
You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones.
You are affectionate, passionate, expressive, and future-oriented.
You are reserved, shy, cautious, and thoughtful.
You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others.
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| 5 Weird Habits of Mine |
[19 Dec 2005|08:02pm] |
1. If I'm bored and home alone, I will sign online and check my mail every 5 minutes and then sign off again. I don't know why I can't just leave it on.
2. I put on nailpolish just so I can chip it off.
3. I refuse to sneeze in front of people. haha I learned how to not sneeze years ago somehow.
4. I wiggle my nose when i'm thinking. i guess i'm a regular i dream of jeanie. you should see me during tests or homework, i sit there wiggling my nose and biting my lip like an idiot.
5. If i'm uncomfortable at all in a situation, like scared or nervous, i stop talking. i kinda didn't notice i did it until recently but its kinda funny. actually, its not but i can't think of a 5th weird habit so thats it :)
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[17 Dec 2005|11:42pm] |
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heather and i started our new crew. its way cooler than any of the previous crews. [gfbf] will have people lining up for days to try and join but you can't! haha its very exclusive. you could have joined if you wanted us to hang out. and there is only one other way to join besides actually calling us to hang out.
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| dinner with mike tyson |
[17 Dec 2005|11:00pm] |
tonight was fun. it turned what seemed like an ok weekend into a superb one. went to work this morning and then home for a 45 minute nap and then off to the boyfrizzles house for a missionary's birthday party hahaha and then on to a church dinner (so yes i had 2 big dinners) and then i went back to michaels house. his rents like me YAY! hahaha then back home. catching up with heather.
yesterday was fun too. bekahs house, sister time, bowling with capt creatine, chief paddlefoot, lauralee and kristin. lots of funny times.
i love life. i dont think i've ever been happier than right now.
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